Working with the Comparing Mind in Meditation and Relationships
Hate and its close cousins—anger, envy, irritation, resentment, bitterness, and contempt, to name a few—often arise when we compare ourselves to others or feel a sense of inadequacy. These emotions can erode our relationships, unsettle our meditation practice, and diminish our sense of well-being, especially when we are unaware of them or lost in their spin. Drawing on Buddhist teachings and contemporary evidence-based mindfulness practices, each of us has the capacity to transform these tendencies to cultivate peace within ourselves and greater harmony with others, too.
The Roots of the Comparing Mind
In Buddhist psychology, the comparing mind stems from craving (tanhā) and aversion (dosa), two of the three unwholesome roots that fuel our suffering. When we compare ourselves to others, that easily lead to either craving what they have or aversion toward our perceived shortcomings. As Lama Tsomo notes in Lion’s Roar, comparison often arises from a lack of self-acceptance. It leads us to measure our worth externally, creating dissatisfaction and disconnection.
Modern psychology supports this view, identifying social comparison as a significant source of stress and negative self-perception. Research into self-compassion suggests that cultivating it can reduce the harmful effects of comparison and foster emotional resilience.
Meditation: Recognizing and Releasing Comparison
Meditation offers a powerful way to work with the comparing mind. Here’s how:
- Mindful Awareness: Begin by observing your thoughts during meditation. Notice when comparisons arise—whether they involve envy, judgment, or self-criticism. Label these thoughts gently as “comparing” without judgment. This practice of noting helps create space between the thought and your action.
- Self-Compassion Practice: Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, highlighted in Tricycle, suggests three steps1. Mindfulness: Acknowledge the pain of comparison without exaggerating or suppressing it.
2. Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy.
3. Self-Kindness: Offer yourself kind words or gestures, as you would to a dear friend. - Cultivating Mudita (Sympathetic Joy): When you notice envy, practice mudita by rejoicing in others’ happiness and success. As Sylvia Boorstein explains, this practice shifts the focus from lack to abundance, fostering a sense of interconnected joy.
Relationships: Moving Beyond Competition
Comparison can strain relationships, leading to resentment or feelings of inferiority. Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings on sangha (community) in Lion’s Roar emphasize the importance of supportive environments for overcoming these tendencies. Here are some practical ways to work with comparison in relationships:
- Practice Deep Listening and Loving Speech: When engaging with others, listen without the filter of comparison. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than measuring it against your own. Speak with kindness, avoiding language that reinforces competitiveness.
- Reflect on Interdependence: Recognize that others’ successes do not diminish your own. In fact, their achievements often contribute to the collective well-being, which includes you. This perspective aligns with the Buddhist teaching of interconnectedness.
- Take Refuge in Community: As Thich Nhat Hanh suggests, a supportive sangha can help us navigate difficult emotions. Surround yourself with people who embody mindfulness and compassion. Their presence can remind you to focus on your own path rather than comparing it to others. Join our twice weekly online communities for ongoing connection with our beautiful practice sangha.
Practical Exercises
- Meditation on Sympathetic Joy:
- Sit comfortably and bring to mind someone who has experienced success or happiness.
- Silently repeat phrases like, “May your joy continue. May your happiness grow.”
- Notice any resistance or envy, and gently return to the phrases.
- Gratitude Journalling:
- Each day, write down three things you appreciate about yourself and three things you admire in others.
- Reflect on how these qualities enhance your life and relationships.
- Mindful Check-Ins:
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- During conversations, pause to notice if you’re comparing yourself to the other person.
- Redirect your attention to their words and your shared connection.
Insights from Modern Science
Recent research in mindfulness and psychology provides additional tools for working with the comparing mind:
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- Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): Studies on MBSR programs, pioneered by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, show that regular mindfulness practice reduces rumination and the tendency to compare. This can improve overall mental health and interpersonal relationships.
- The Role of Neuroplasticity: Neuroscience reveals that mindfulness and compassion practices reshape the brain, enhancing areas related to empathy and reducing activity in regions associated with fear and envy. This supports the idea that consistent practice can diminish the comparing mind over time.
- Compassion Research: Dr. Thubten Jinpa’s course Compassion Cultivation training, and studies of it, demonstrate that compassion practices lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and increase heart-rate variability, a marker of emotional resilience. These physiological changes help us respond to comparison with greater equanimity.
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Closing Thoughts
The comparing mind is a universal challenge, but it is also an opportunity for growth. By bringing mindfulness, compassion, and supportive practices into our lives, we can transform comparison into connection and hate into clearer understanding of the human condition. We are all subject to aversion. As Buddhist teachings and modern science remind us, the path to peace begins within—one thought, one breath, and one relationship at a time. Practiced diligently for a long time, this transformation in our own hearts also has great social potential.
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